how to not get defensive in an argument

Defensiveness starts in the body. You're less likely to get defensive or hurt over something when you know for sure that it's... 2. One way to move past defensive behavior is to acknowledge it. We often operate in romantic life under the mistaken view – unconsciously imported from law courts and school debating traditions – that the person who is ‘right’ or has the stronger case should, legitimately, ‘win’ any argument. Like most couples, we argue. You're less likely to get defensive or hurt over something when you know for sure that it's not true. During those moments when you receive harsh criticism, there's a way to acknowledge it without being defensive. In fact, they get defensive any time you try to have a real conversation with them. Hit the “Pause” Button When your partner comes at you with a query, don’t immediately go on the defensive. I learned that listening was just as important as speaking and jumping to conclusions was not going to solve anything. Be Certain in Yourself. When it comes to using defense mechanisms, it tends to coincide with protecting ones self. Its rarely going to help to get defensive unless the person is truly being genuine anyway, and in that case, thank them and take the comment to heart because there is likely some truth to it. Cultivate a growth mindset. You should try to genuinely listen to all of their points and see where they are coming from. If your boyfriend has any of these argument tactics in his arsenal, get prepared for every minor disagreement to … They are not reasonable at this point of the discussion and you are only wasting time and escalating the conversation further by … If you often argue with a person, plan and practice staying calm. If you want to score points, you have to hit where it counts and that is against their position. But if your man is fighting dirty, chances are you’re just going to get angrier instead of resolving anything. No one can be right 100 percent all the time, it's just not possible. After studying interpersonal and organizational communication in college, I began to understand what being defensive meant and how to tackle conflict in a healthy way. Name it. Being in an argument or receiving criticism from another person truly sucks. I just get so angry when she criticizes me. It’s meant to inflict emotional injury rather than ask for a timeout. 11 Red Flags in a Relationship Not To Ignore, Easily Misunderstood by Others? Plan to enjoy a reward if you make it through your conversation without falling into an argument. Being Defensive In an Argument Makes You Look Weak. I guess it’s my anger issues. 01 /6 Here is how to prevent getting defensive in an argument with your partner Understanding your partner doesn't just mean having to appreciate them at their best, but also entails acknowledging them at their worst. See criticism as a sign of others’ belief in your abilities. Instead of projecting your undesired feelings or thoughts onto another person, try to solidify what you need and how you want your emotions to come across. Between stimulus and response there is a space. According to Psychology Today, Austrian psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut said that finding a healthy medium of narcissism is actually good for you. Water down your strong arguments with weak ones. Players who do will be fined. This isn’t me—it’s not the person I want to be—but it’s like I turn into The Hulk anytime we argue. 2021 Bustle Digital Group. When you encounter criticism, counter with an argument that positions your idea as doing what is best for the organization — not simply yourself. 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Arguments are either “offensive” or “defensive.” While these categories are not perfect, they are a helpful way to understand how different arguments serve different purposes in a debate. Even if you don't believe what they say is true, you can still be the bigger person, thank them, and walk away. In this article, I’m going to talk about why people get defensive and how you can deal with it. And this defensiveness feels a lot like they don’t care. Stay away from defensive behaviour. Be Secure In Who You Are. 2. Images: Giphy ; skynesher/E+/Getty Images. It’s normal and healthy to get things off your chest every now and then. When you're getting defensive, start to contemplate on the end goal. And even though you would love to be right, there are those moments when you may need to realize that the person just might be correct about what they are saying. Take a second to hear what’s being said and understand it before your craft your response. But it's also in conjunction with how well you can communicate; once I learned how to productively talk about issues and disagreements with others (and I'm still learning to this day), I had the ability to truly express myself and what I was feeling. Why People Get Defensive in Relationships. Make your points convincingly and ask for agreement. If you feel yourself become defensive, try to see if you can simply acknowledge it and work through the conflict as honestly and generously as possible. You don't need to tell the other person. Plan a short conversation, with a specified stopping time. Ever since I was younger, I always felt like I had to prove myself to everyone because I felt I was different. What Is Assertiveness And Why Is It Important? The other day my husband and I got into an argument. If someone else is being irrational and you feel like they are just trying to egg... 3. Arguments can generally be split into these two categories as well. It requires the capacity to listen to your partner in all ways. While that may be the case, there's a way to explain your part without completely ignoring what they have to say. So, this week the NFL officially banned taking a knee on the field. While defending yourself is never a bad thing, being defensive all the time can get exhausting. Anything less and you are actually giving them ammunition to use against you. Here are 5 ways that we’ve found to diffuse an argument with your spouse. Ask yourself if the disagreement is really worth getting upset about. If you make the discovery that the problem is consistently re… If you find your blood starting to rise in response to what someone else is saying, do not... 2. Once you can understand why you feel the way you do, the person you're arguing with may be able to comprehend your emotions better. That is not a way to win an argument or even how to defend your position. Argue why their point is wrong and your point is right. When I did this, he thought I was blaming him for the whole negative situation. Reduce the danger – Once you’ve identified the threat (s) causing the defensive behavior, work to reduce the perceived danger. Ways To Communicate Without Being Defensive 1. You'll continue to believe you're correct, but others will try new things to change your mind. Of course, it's difficult to give and receive healthy criticism if we're clinging to a defensive attitude. It’s that damn cortisol and adrenaline! Remember Your Relationship. How to Defend Your Opinion Without Being Defensive 1. According to Psychology Today, concentration camp survivor Victor Frankl had said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. We were both getting defensive. Think back to seventh grade, when you were still... 3. Being in an argument with someone doesn't … When people get defensive, sometimes they automatically think that the other person is wrong. Try facts that cannot be disputed. Strategize your thinking so you can accomplish long-term goals instead of trying to win the battle. Being secure in yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself because you won't need to be validated by anyone else besides yourself. Can you come up with a better response? If they are not genuine in their comment, you are never going to gain any ground by arguing, cause they are likely not being fair or rational themselves anyway. Being defensive doesn't mean you have to be negative, there's a way to have a positive outlook while still protecting your identity. Stop Retaliating & Genuinely Listen Being in an argument with someone doesn’t mean that you should be thinking about your next attack move while they are talking. Being in an argument with someone doesn't mean that you should be thinking about your next attack move while they are talking. When arguments get heated, a timeout to let the cortisol and adrenaline settle (for about 20 minutes) is a good idea. This can resolve a lot of issues when someone criticizes you, because of instead of jumping to conclusions, you can talk to them calmly without feeling like you have to defend yourself every minute. Chances are, it is not. After a bit of time, the walls of defense started to go down, and I realized how quickly an argument can be solved once you allow yourself to be vulnerable and be OK with the thought of being wrong. You must hear each other's complaints without feeling attacked. Defensiveness is that immediate kneejerk, “But, But…But…” response and a heightened sense of tension that... 2. Instead of trying to save face when a tough situation arise, take a moment to find your space, acknowledge what they are saying, and try to benefit from it. Don’t get defensive, though: “Holding a defensive posture perpetuates conflict,” she says. One of the reasons we get so frustrated with defensive people is we try to deal with the behavior without addressing the threat that is causing the behavior. In turn, you feel like a tired driver wanting to get home but caught in thick traffic. For example, if this argument isn't really going to change how you feel about the other person, don't let it. Below are a few ways to communicate well without being defensive. Breathe. 1. Cultivate a growth mindset. Be considerate, but straightforward, and in the end, hopefully you will feel like a winner instead of trying to defend yourself over and over again. When the argument seems to be going in the wrong direction, take a breath and stop to listen. If you have three strong points and two weaker ones then it is probably best to just focus on the strong. In order to take effective steps to minimize your tendency to become defensive during an argument, you must first understand the motivations behind the behaviour. It can help you prevent the situation from getting out of hand. A disadvantage (or advantage) is said to be straight-turned when the responding team has answered an argument only with turns and with no defensive argument. Identify the chemical cause: ‘We’re getting too elevated -– I know I am. Alternatively, you can ask for facts or proof from your challenger. Here’s another way for you to pay for being black, or to pay for caring about issues that affect black people. Remind yourself of your deepest values. Conflict Management Styles for Effective Communication at Work, Conflict Management: How to Turn Any Conflicts into Opportunities, The Killer Formula to Make Your Argument Convincing, How to Win an Argument – Dos, Don’ts and Sneaky Tactics, How to Get Rich: 11 Bold Moves That Guarantee Wealth, Science Says People Who Talk To Themselves Are Geniuses. Being impulsive with your emotions means you're only thinking about how you feel at the moment. When it comes time to listen to your spouse, go into the conversation remembering the relationship that you share. According to Forbes, make sure you give yourself permission to be wrong, and also give that permission to others, too. Instead, take a … Plan a (mild) punishment if you don't. Let them vent. Most... 3. But there are other reasons why we become defensive. In the moment, buy time. Look at Your Social Media Profiles Too, 12 Best Foods That Improve Memory and Brain Health. I know it’s not fair, but I just blow up anytime we have an argument. Staying silent and being defensive can be two sides of the same stance; that of not truly exposing oneself to criticism. Keep this in mind when you start to feel your temper rising. When he would point out some unproductive action I had taken that had led to the issue at hand, I would try to explain why I had taken the action (i.e. When I would be the butt of all jokes, instead of standing up for myself, I would point the finger at others or simply cry because I was completely frustrated. Have a clear indication as to why you feel defensive. I guess that’s what I want to work on. For example: If the affirmative link turned the economy disadvantage above but also argued that economic collapse did not lead to war, the negative could "kick" the disadvantage by granting the impact take-out to eliminate the risk of a turn. While it can be a negative situation for a few moments, you can always turn it around into a positive by letting the negative feeling go. But instead of going straight into attack mode, there are ways to help you stop being defensive while learning how to communicate well with others. Being a self-confident person, or healthy adult narcissism as Kohut called it, allows you to be able to handle those harsh criticisms, broken promises, or miscommunications with others. According to Psychology Today, Anna Freud, Sigmund Freud's daughter, helped illustrate that there are nine common defense mechanisms that everyone goes through in her book, The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defense. trying to be right). You feel like your feelings don’t matter to them. Remind yourself of your deepest values. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Before you make any quick judgments, take a deep breathe and try to pay close attention to the result of your actions. If you notice you're repeatedly making the same argument again and again, you're the common denominator in this situation. While how you feel is certainly valid, it is not the best technique for winning an argument. After someone has said something that causes you to arch your back and want to become defensive: Strike 1 – Think of the first thing you want to say or do and don’t do that. Stop Being So Defensive! Whether you realize it or not, you've probably gone through most of these categories throughout your lifetime.